Now that summer’s officially in full swing you’re sure to be spending some time in front of the grill. Now whether or not this grill is in the park, at the beach, or in your backyard there are certain rules of engagement to make sure the hot dogs are the only things getting grilled at the end of the day.
Rule No. 1 Read your sunblock to see if it’s flammable
Nothing ruins a cookout faster than the kids having to tell dad to stop, drop and roll. God forbid grandmas got to run and get the hose.
Rule No. 2 Survey the landscape
For married guys this means make sure there is no beautiful “scenery” within your line of sight that the wife will accuse us of ogling. For the single guys make sure there is plenty of scenery to ogle. But be discrete…nobody likes a weirdo.
Rule No. 3 Only use grills that you are familiar with
The quickest way to become a laughing stock is to not even know how to get your grill started. If you’re a novice remember basic is better. No need to attempt to fire up the ole’ boar roaster 3000.
Rule No. 4 Fuel tastes horrible on steaks
I believe it was Confucius who said, “lighter fluid is for setting trash piles on fire, not making BBQ” Confucius Johnson, who works at QuikTrip on Beltline.
Rule No. 5 Bring enough beer
If you are a mediocre griller this is an absolute essential. The fastest cure for terrible barbecue is to get everybody drunk. Everything tastes better drunk. Don’t believe me; think back to every time you’ve ever eaten Taco Bell…exactly.
Rule No. 6 Don’t dare speak of barbecuing anything in the oven
Making S’mores while wearing a tutu and a rhinestone tiara may actually be manlier than making barbecue in an oven. Oh, you don’t think so? Are you willing to risk it?
Rule No. 7 Don’t forget the bug repellent
One surefire way to ensure everyone at the family barbecue has a horrible time is to have them leave with West Nile Virus.
Rule No. 8 Have something for the kids to do
Those pestering snot factories will be bothering the hell out of you with “is it done yet?” if you don’t keep them preoccupied. A football, Frisbee, or a dirt bike with no brakes pointed at a ravine will work.
Rule No. 9 Don’t feed the animals
Awww look dear the little fella is hungry… c’mon buddy…oh my God he’s eating my arm! Oh the horror! I shouldn’t have fed that coyote brisket! I shouldn’t have done that at all! Get the point?
Rule No. 10 Don’t claim to be the BBQ king unless you can back it up In Texas we take those words real serious and you better bring your A-game or be prepared to deal with some serious repercussions and some really upset eaters.
