Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Try to be more flexible this week. Just don’t bend over backwards too much or your head will be dangerously close to your own ass.

Aries – March 21 – April 19
Get on the “Obamamania” bandwagon this week by paying homage to the 25 years the U.S President spent as a smoker. But don’t risk your health by actually smoking, just wheeze.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20
Remain beautiful this week by not turning ugly. 

Gemini – May 21 – June 21
Right now is a good time to contemplate your roll in the universe. No, that’s not a typo, decide on your favourite sushi roll and stick to it. California Roll, Spicy Tuna Roll, Dragon Roll…

Cancer – June 22 – July 22
Be honest about what you really think when debating butter vs. margarine this week.

Leo – July 23 – August 22
Very soon you’ll find love, and it will be in some extremely surprising places. When was the last time you looked inside your toilet tank?

Virgo – August 23 – September 22
Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.

Libra – September 23 – October 22
Simplify your life AND look respectable at all times by wearing only wrinkle-free clothing.  Once you’re able to get past the “supernerd” tag you now elicit, you’ll be quite comfortable.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
Threaten emotional outbursts at fast food drive-thrus this week and they won’t forget your ketchup.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
Stay away from the left-handed cigarettes this week. In your current state, you run a strong risk of investing in a business that sells deep-fried Doritos rolled in chocolate.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
Get ready for the future by pissing on the past.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
Make something for a friend. If you’re out of ideas, simply join a high school shop class for help. Who doesn’t love copper tooling or garden trowels?