JOKES:

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: How can you tell if a chick is too fat to do it?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

Q: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.

A Dream Come True
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Aries
March 21 – April 19
It's time to let your true feelings out. Don't tell anyone your plans. Burning down your office will be your best-kept secret.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
By joining intellectual or cultural groups, you should meet individuals who stimulate you. Remember happy hour is from 4-7pm.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
If you take on too much of a financial burden you may make yourself ill. When you go out to eat don't tip.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Don't let your family put demands on you. Keep hiding in that crack house until Sunday.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
Mercury and Mars together doesn't always mean that you will be hit by a DART bus, but this time it does.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Even though the girl you like is from Arkansas and says that she loves you like a brother, you should be really careful this weekend.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
Start getting down to the nitty-gritty: what timeline, budget, resources, and people power will you need to pull off your "Occupy Taco Bell" campaign.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Genuine conversations with the ones who know you best are food for your soul. Let the disemboweling begin!

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
As hard as it is to watch a loved one hit rock bottom, you're the one who pushed them off the side of the building.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will soon learn that you can have the sh!t beat out of you.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will achieve fame later this week when you're featured as one of the "Great Masturbators of This Century" on the Discovery Channel!